American Contradictions (A Partial List)

I get annual flu shots but I won’t get a COVID-19 vaccination.

Bill Gates is the Antichrist but all his software makes my life so much easier.

I’ll wear a mask when I visit my grandmother in ICU battling cancer but I won’t wear a mask when I enter a private business.

I believe in God but not how a virus is transmitted.

I believe my preacher when he says Jonah got swallowed by a whale but not a public health official telling me to wash my hands.

I wear a seat belt and transport my child in an approved car seat to protect my family but I won’t wear  a mask to an indoor funeral.

It’s okay to use the N-word in a Quentin Tarantino film but not a Mark Twain novel.

I believe legal cannabis is detrimental to society but not personal possession of military grade weapons.

I’m the descendant of old immigrants but I hate new immigrants.

I hate socialism but I am on disability, Medicaid and food stamps and my favorite thing to do is recreate on Oregon’s ocean beaches.

I’m an embittered white man and loathe everything new about America but I love my dogs.

I pay for corporate entertainment online but won’t pay independent musicians and writers who post their content online.

I teach my child to share but then don’t share as an adult.

I worship Wall Street and Main Street.

I support US military intervention everywhere but no one in my family has ever served in the military.

I revere the American flag but bought mine from China. 

I believe what it says on the Statue of Liberty but not when it moves into my neighborhood.

I stormed the US Capitol in anger and later sat in a pew and sung hymns about loving my neighbor.

I live in a small town with a family-owned hardware store and shop at a nearby Walmart for hardware.

I had an abortion (or two) when I was young nut don’t want women to have them now.

I believe in news that supports my world view but not fake news that does not.

I believe in gravity but global warming is a hoax.

I believe I’m Woke but instantly judge someone after reading a single tweet.

I’m Woke but eat fast food.

I believe a teacher can join her students for a BLM protest but not her students for an anti-abortion protest.

I fly the American and Confederate flags over my garage.

I’m a closeted gay politician and persecute LGBQ  people through my legislation.

I rail against too much sex in  American popular culture and never have sex.

I live in a  glass house and  throw stones.

I’m fat and judge people.

I support  police unions but despise teacher unions.

I worship the working class but don’t want a federal minimum wage of $15 and hour.

I know EVERYTHING about American life but have never left Malheur County.

I know EVERYTHING about American life because I went to Reed College.