Satan’s Halftime (A Story Idea)

In light of the recent Kennedy vs Bremerton School District Supreme Court decision that now allows public school coaches/teachers to engage in Christian prayer with their students/athletes while on the job, I have an idea for a short story or film. It goes something like this:

Since the decision allows proselytizing by public employees of any religion, a firebrand liberal and atheist social studies teacher and football coach working at Grants Pass High School (mascot Cavemen) decides he wants to call attention to the blatant violation of the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment by practicing Satanism with his players in precisely the same manner as the coach in Bremerton did—pray at the 50-yard line of a football field after games.

In a bit of delicious and hellacious irony, the Cavemen open their season at home against a Eugene Catholic high school, Marist (mascot Flagelators). Oh, the press will eat that up! So will the Catholics on the Supreme Court! They love seeing public school teachers practicing religious freedom on the public’s dime.

The coach recruits a dozen or so players to join him in worshiping Satan after the game. He doesn’t tell them its a comic protest. They think it’s the real deal. It was easy to recruit them. They love Satan and they love their coach and teacher. His word is gospel. He is the most inspiring teacher at Cave Junction High School! And Satan is their dark lord and master. They’d run through brick walls for Beelzebub!

The Cavemen blow away Marist, 66-6.

After the victory, the coach leads some of his players to the 50-yard line. They kneel around him, take off their helmets, bow their heads, and form devil’s horns with their hands. A couple of cheerleaders join them, too.

Parents and school officials don’t know what is going on. They gather around to find out. One parent decides to film the moment.

The coach prays: We prostrate before you Master Satan and promise our eternal fealty for delivering this great victory against the followers of Christ—that false prophet also known as Jesus.

We long to live and serve you in the fiery furnace of Hades, and luxuriate in sin and wickedness.

Oh thank you Dark Lord! And help us defeat the Tillamook Cheesemakers next week.

All hell breaks loose. There is murder in the hearts of the parents and school officials. But, hey it’s Constitutionally protected free speech! Thank you Supreme Court!

An hour later, the YouTube video has garnered ten million hits and thousands of public school teachers around the country decide they want to adopt Satanism as their religion and freely and lawfully practice it on the job with their students.

Okay, I’m still working on this idea, but I like how it’s going so far. (Note to self: I need to work in Deviled Ham Spread finger sandwiches into the story. Maybe the coach has his player take them like communion at the 50-yard line.)