Give Me Beer or Wine or Whiskey on Oregon’s Ocean Beaches or Give Me Death!

On Tuesday, a state lawmaker introduced a bill that would prohibit drinking alcohol on Oregon’s ocean beaches. According to the Eugene Register Guard, “House Bill 3441 would ban people from having either unopened or empty booze containers on the beach as well. The new misdemeanor crime would be punishable by a maximum fine of $1,250 or 30 days in jail.”

Thirty days in jail for drinking beer around a beach bonfire, a sacred rite of Oregon passage since cheap lagers and jug wine were available to drink in moderation or to excess.

I may have to brush up on the most efficient methods of self-immolation as a form of political protest. It’s worked before. Perhaps it is a good thing that Oregon is one of the few states that allows the retail sale of 190-proof Everclear. I take a couple of shots, douse myself, fall into the beach bonfire, and the rest is history. YouTube it to the world. Give me a beer on Oregon’s great birthright or give me a fiery sacrificial death!

The article went on: “The bill’s lead sponsor, Rep. Janeen Sollman, a Hillsboro Democrat, said she introduced the bill at the request of a constituent who, for years, has been documenting the alcoholic beverage bottles and cans that are left on Oregon’s beaches.“I’m not a party crasher…I don’t have a problem with people enjoying a drink,” she said. “It’s unfortunate that this will impact good people who have been doing it the right way.”

The good people? The right way? Who is that? What is that? Show me Ms. Sollman. Teach me with a new brochure and the right recycling suburban people. It’s strictly BYOB. I’m thinking a bottle of Jameson for me.

When is the last time you visited the beach Ms. Sollman? Have you ever imbibed there? If you had, you would have never sponsored an insane bill that undermines virtually everything I love about Oregon and its great embrace of useful sandy socialism.

Someone from State Parks has a nefarious Puritanical hand in this. I bet this person hasn’t seen the ocean in years.

I had the best date of my life on a beach, cooking salmon on a cedar plank on a smoky driftwood fire, drinking wine with a spectacular woman I should have married. You want to make that illegal?

Let’s crush this bill and mock the Representative for perhaps the most absurd proposal to restrict earthy personal liberties in state history. She has no idea where she lives. Come down to a beach bonfire populated by senior citizens and cans of Rainier this month and make a speech. I’ll give you a copy of my novel, The Great Birthright.

More from the article: “Sollman said her bill targets only alcoholic beverages because, she claimed, those are most frequently the containers that get left behind. “I don’t think this littering is what Gov. McCall had in mind,” she said, referring to the Beach Bill.”

I know for a fact Governor Tom McCall loved drinking a stiff scotch on the rocks on the beach near his (Lincoln City) Road End’s vacation home. I have interviewed witnesses who were right there with him. He was a supremely happy man during those moments.