“The Free Walking Chili Pie Dinner”

On Halloween, the Reedsport Church of God hosted and event called, “The Free Walking Chili Pie Dinner.”

I did not attend but should have. There is a great American novel in that event, a weird American novel of fitness and flatulence.

Some questions about the event?

Is there a prayer before you eat a slice of chili pie and then start walking around Reedsport on Halloween?

Do they sing hymns as they eat and walk? If so, which ones?

Can you speak in tongues while eating a chili pie?

How long is the walk?

What does one wear?

Is there a collection plate at the finish line?

Who conceived of such an event?

Are the chili pies homemade or processed food garbage? These are Christians goddammit! They make chili pies from scratch just like they make their Ritz cracker crumble, tuna and green bean casseroles from scratch for the Sunday potlucks or the memorial services.

How could I have missed this event? The incontinence and sermonizing I might have witnessed could have unlocked the secrets to understanding America’s deep and destructive cultural divide.

And if I had gone, would there have been a vegetarian option?