Memo to Hallmark Christmas Movie Producers
After a marathon session of viewing Hallmark Christmas movies, I have a list of suggested titles that might prove popular with your regular viewers and a way of expanding the audience for this critically important cinematic genre.
A Rapper’s Christmas
A washed-up hunky white rapper (played by Vanilla Ice) receives a Christmas Eve visit from three dead all-star rockers, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin and Keith Richards) and learns the true meaning of rock. Along the way, he hooks up with a super model groupie and they all live happily ever after.
Christmas Buns
A voluptuous divorcee who runs a magical chalet in the snowy mountains also doubles as a renowned baker whose hot cross buns are the stuff of legend. Super hot dudes travel from hundreds of miles around to hold and taste her buns. One day, a lonely widower whose wife died in a mall shooting checks into the chalet and the rest is history.
Christmas Revolution
A dashing King from the Kingdom of Fredonia is overthrown by his socialist peasants and flees penniless to America. There, he worms his way into America’s royal family, the Kardashians, and marries one of them to regain his sense of honor and join the cast of the show, get rich, marry another one of the sisters, sire an heir, and then journey back to Fredonia and regain his thrown in a vicious counterrevolution that includes a gilded guillotine for executions.
Pandemic Christmas
After Ms. Claus dies from the virus, a lonely Santa receives a heartfelt letter of condolence from a foxy suburban mom in Oregon. A correspondence ensues, emails, texts, images (strictly of baked cannabis goods) and Santa pays her a special Christmas Eve visit, and lo and behold, they fall in love and all the kids around the world go toyless.
The Billionaire Teacher
A handsome eccentric billionaire who teaches English for pleasure meets the beautiful blind custodian of his school, a struggling single mom trying to make it as a night club singer. When he secretly bankrolls a recording session of Christmas standards and they become a massive hit, she discovers who her benefactor really is and his classroom will never be the same again. She also regains her sight because, well, this is Christmas.
Junkie Christmas Nurse
A smokin’ hot junkie nurse gets fired for stealing drugs from the hospital. She takes a job running a Christmas tree lot in a bombed out neighborhood where she can pop pills and sing Christmas carols in her RV. When a studly widowed doctor shows up wit his three tiny tots with their eyes all aglow, he vows to help this wounded angel. He helps her get off the pills and stick strictly with the sauce. On a drunken Christmas Eve they both fall into a Christmas tree and he proposes as they embrace, laughing, and sipping from a fifth of Crown Royal.